Friday, September 30, 2011

Labor and Delivery 101

One of the many joys of expecting is getting to attend the birthing classes that prep you for labor and delivery.  We opted to attend a two hour class each Wednesday night for five weeks.  And week one started off with a bang. 
We arrived at the class with our pillows and blanket in hand, as directed (which were apparently not needed the first week), put on our name tags, and made our way to our seats.  The class, of course, started with the whole introduction thing and Jeff was able to put his phone down long enough to get through this part.
Side note- the Yankees have clinched their spot in the playoffs.  Not only did they clinch a playoff birth but the clinched their 17th AL East title and best record in the American league (this sentence was added by Jeff when I sent him the blog for approval!).  But there was a mad race between the Rays and the Red Sox to see who was going to get the wild card spot.  This is the final game of the season and will determine who the Yankees may soon face in the playoffs.  It just so happens that the Yankees are playing the Rays.  Both teams have their strengths, but Jeff’s hatred for the Red Sox is so strong that he would rather the Rays make it into the playoffs, just so the Red Sox don’t.  This is likely the first and last time in the history of the world that he is cheering against the Yankees.  Proof that his hatred for the Red Sox may be even stronger than his love for the Yankees.
So, yes, I signed us up for class on a night that he is even more attached to checking scores on his phone than usual.  But the class goes on.  We first learn about all our lady parts and see giant posters of how the baby grows in the uterus.  The visual of the very large uterus sitting right on the bladder fully supports the theory that our creator was indeed a male!  The five trips to the bathroom I take each night are now fully understood!  Of course, the one thing Jeff points out is that the woman on the third trimester posters butt also sticks out more now (he told me last week that my butt was sticking out more- because he was sick, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he meant only because my back was arching in more and I refrained from clocking him upside the head).  
Next we see a handmade knitted uterus and the birthing process is explained.  Sometime during this explanation, Jeff looks at me with eyes wide open and says, “You are gonna be torn up!”  Yes, honey, thanks for the reminder.  Honestly, at this point I’m just glad he’s paying attention to the class and not his phone. 
After these demos and a quick break, we move on to the stages of labor.  I learn at this point that Jeff has a one hour attention span and everything the teacher says is in one ear and out the other.  When she goes over the fact that you go into the hospital when your contractions are 5-1-1, I check to make sure he caught that.  He had no clue what 5-1-1 meant.  I tried to tell him he needed to know this and he replied, “that’s why I have you.”  Ummm, Jeff, I may not be thinking clearly at this point!  That is why I have you!  Having said that, I know he caught a few points because when she described how long and intense the contractions are in stage one and in stage two, he looked at me – laughing both times – and reminded me how much pain I’m going to be in!  Ahhh- and this was only week one…

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