Wednesday, June 1, 2011

What the???

So it’s day 24.  KU is in the Sweet 16.  Off to the Other Place to watch the game with my girls.  Well into the 4th quarter it is clear we are headed to the Elite 8, so I take a quick trip to the ladies room.  And much to my surprise, I’m bleeding.  This confuses me on a number of levels.  1.  It’s only day 24 – too early to start my period.  2.  I’ve never been one to spot before my period starts.  And 3.  I’ve learned over the months that when I am “taking” the progesterone pills, I don’t start my period (hence having to take a test every month instead of just waiting to see if I’m late).  Oh well, what am I supposed to do.  It’s weird, but weirder things have happened with my body lately.  So, game over, head home to tell Jeff that Aunt Flo arrived early and another month of no success. 
When I get home, I give Jeff the philly sandwich I brought him along with the bad news.  Of course, he’s disappointed, but he does a lot better job of handling this type of news than I do.  But wait, after another trip to the bathroom, I realize I’m no longer bleeding.  Light bulb!  I’ve heard of implantation bleeding (when an embryo implants itself in the uterus)– time to Google.  Implantation bleeding occurs 6 to 12 days after ovulation (I’m at 9 days), is usually a small amount and is brown in color (I know, gross, again), and is accompanied by some minor cramping.  Only about 25 percent of women get this bleeding.   Could it be?  I am optimistic, but don’t want to get my hopes up just to get beat down again.  So I continue the live your life attitude and don’t think much of it.  Yeah, right.  It sounds good, but easier said than done.  I can’t quit thinking about it.  I mean, really, what other explanation is there? 
Like any good sister, I call mine.  “Have you ever heard of this implantation bleeding?” I ask.  Her response – “Sure, that’s how I knew I was pregnant with all my kids.”  Ok – I’m a true believer that things like this are hereditary, so now I’m convinced I’m pregnant.  However, I know if you take a pregnancy test early, you could get a false negative (even if the test says it can tell you five days early).  So I wait patiently until day 28.  During this time, I also notice I have no feelings whatsoever of depression, not even after KU lost to VCU (why can't KU beat the nobody schools in the tourney????).  Sign of pregnancy, no, but everything just seems to be looking up.  So I wake up very early on Day 28 to confirm what by now I am fully convinced of…
I’m not sure if it was the rubbing of the fertility statue, the wearing of the fertility bracelet (thanks, Maria!), the new attitude, or if it was finally just our time.  Honestly, I don’t care why.  I’m just so relieved.  Funny thing, even though I’ve been convinced of this for four days and even after the two lines immediately appeared on my little stick, Jeff just couldn’t believe it.  He was sure that test was wrong.  I assured him that those tests don’t get false positives, but after everything we’d been through, could it really be true? 
One advantage of going to a fertility specialist is the day you find out you are pregnant, you go in and start testing.  This had an extra bonus for me because it happened to be one of the two days each year when we do our firearms qualifications for work.  I love firearms training, but the high that day was 35 with a chance of rain or snow.  Therefore, on top of being thrilled to be pregnant, I was thrilled to have a legitimate excuse not to be out in the cold all day.  So after a short time in the cold, I had qualified, and was back in the warm car, headed to the doctor. 
Jeff, being as excited as I am, heads to the doctor with me.  I have to tell you, even after Dr. Milroy ensured him these tests don’t lie, he still didn’t believe it.  They drew my blood to test my HCG level and sent us on our way.  It took some more convincing, but after explaining that if I wasn’t pregnant my HCG level would be zero, Jeff finally believes.  In two days, I go back for another blood draw, hoping this level would double, which it did.  So far, so good.  Now another two week wait until we can do an ultrasound and see our little miracles heart beat. 
Before I sound off, I just want to say, I am so thankful that after eight months, this finally worked out for us.  My heart truly goes out to those who are going through this or who have gone through this in the past.  I know to some eight months seems like nothing.  I can truly relate to those days when you fake a smile at work all day and cry yourself to sleep at night.  And how it kills you to see pregnant ladies at the grocery store or kids at mall or even a commercial with a child in it.   So to you, I make these promises- I will never tell you that it will happen for you, because sadly, you and I both know that in reality it may not and not I or anyone else can make that guarantee for you, but I will pull for you every step of the way.  I will never tell you to stop trying and it will happen, because that worked for someone I know.  And finally, when you do get pregnant and have a beautiful child, if you buy a mini-van, I will make fun of you. 
And for those of you who know someone who is going through this right now (or even if you don’t), check out this article for great advice on how it feels and what to say.,0,470341.story  

1 comment:

  1. Well written Cass, and you know I know EXACTLY where you are coming from and can identify! I wish you and Jeff the best on your journey (and WOW, what a journey it is!) We are 16 weeks along w/ twins and it never gets "comfortable" in the regards that so much continues to process in your body that you can't see...keep an eye on! It will strengthen your faith like no other event possibly could...and wow how your marriage will grow too b/c you both want this so badly! Wishing you all the best and look forward to your next entry! Sending sticky baby dust to your little one...God Bless!


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