Monday, June 27, 2011

My Baby Daddy

I love my husband.  More than I can express in words.  However, I have to admit some of his parenting skills and lessons he wants to pass on to our child are slightly concerning to me.  For those of you that don’t know Jeff, you need to know these two things: 1. He likes to be the funny guy – and he’s pretty good at it; 2. He loves the New York Yankees and Duke basketball.  He says he loves me and the baby more than the Yankees, but I think it’s a pretty tight race. 
So ever since we started getting serious when dating and talking about one day having a child, he’s been mentioning things he wants to teach our child or do to raise him properly (I say him, I don’t know that the baby is a him, but for a long time, Jeff refused to accept that we could have anything other than a him).  I’ll start with a small one.
1.     Our child will have his right arm tied behind his back until he’s five.  Jeff figures the only way to get a kid into major league baseball is if he’s a lefty, so by-God, we are going to make him a lefty one way or another!   
2.     If he even thinks about playing soccer, he will be locked in his closet for years.  Honestly, I have to support him on this.  I hate soccer, too.
3.     If we have a girl, we need to have her get pregnant at age 15.  Alright, he may not have been serious about this one.  This comment came when we were talking to a genetics counselor about the odds of a child having chromosomal disorders such as down syndrome.  She showed us a chart indicating how the odds increase with age.  At age 38, the odds are 1 in 175 babies.  At age 15, the odds are 1 in 1,250.  I appreciate him wanting to protect our grandchildren, I’m just not convinced this is the best approach…
4.     The nursery will be decorated in a New York Yankees theme, including a Derek Jeter fathead.  This really shouldn’t surprise anyone.  The only gifts I’ve been allowed to give my young niece and nephews for the past few years are Yankees hats and shirts (which they look adorable in), but this theme seems a little advanced for a baby.  I’m going to fight to win this one (just like I won not naming him D.J. for Derek Jeter).  However, I won’t be surprised to come home one day and see the fathead peeking out from behind the crib. 
5.     Taking #4 a step further, when we were at the hospital for an ultrasound, I pointed out the display advertising the Mommy and Me store that carries baby and mommy supplies.  I didn’t expect him to check it out in detail, but pointed it out to see if he wanted to look it over.  The response I got was that there is no need to look at it because we are getting all of our baby supplies at the Yankee store.  I have no doubt our child will frequently be decked out in Yankee gear, I just don’t know that this store carries breast pumps.
6.     And taking #4 yet one more step further…  I was telling him how a co-workers son knew the Go Cubs Go song/chant (sorry- can’t say I even know this) before he was three years old.  I said when our son is that old, he will know when we say, “Hip Hip,” he will follow it by saying, “Jorge.”  For you non-Yankee fans, this is the chant for Jorge Posada, who used to be the Yankees catcher, but this year is really struggling to keep is spot as a part time designated hitter.  To this statement, Jeff’s response was, “Oh hell no!  If you say “Hip Hip,” JJ will respond with, ‘I’m not cheering for that Jackass.  He can’t even bat over .200 this year.’” I think he has slightly high expectations for JJ’s Yankee’s knowledge at age three, but if any kid will know that, it will be Jeff’s kid.  And I really hope my kid isn’t calling people Jackasses.  Even if they do suck at batting.
7.     And on to his love for Duke.  As we were watching the NBA championships, Jeff laughed at Mario Chalmers (a former KU player who won KU the championship with an awesome last second shot in overtime) when he threw up a ridiculous shot.  Lucky for me, this shot was quickly followed by a long three pointer that he swished.  As much as I hate Miami (Chalmers current team), I was excited to see him do well.  Jeff then made the comment that he can’t wait until our house is 2 to 1 with Duke fans (he really hates KU).  I reminded him we live in KU territory and most KU fans hate Duke as much as he hates KU, so if he turns our kid into a Duke fan, he will like get beat up before he gets out of the 4th grade.  Apparently team loyalty is more important that our child’s safety.  And for those of you who don’t know, the name JJ originally came from Jeff’s love for JJ Redick, a former Duke basketball player.
8.     Playing Modern Warfare will start at age two.  He feels this game of killing, blood, and gore is the best way to teach a child hand coordination.  I’m not so sure.
9.     And my all time favorite…  “When I have the sex talk with our son, I’m just going to tell him to put it in the ass.  That way she won’t get pregnant.”  I can’t even comment on this one.
Yes, this is the man I married and the father of my child. 

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